Life is good, fo' real. Hanging out in this room full of semi-chaos, it just feels right. Organizing, transcripting and just plain -ing. It's nice just being around. Have you noticed that? I have and it is so nice.
Sorry so short.

I'm good right now, no I'm great right now...what the hell?
For the first time in months I am breathing,like normal breaths, like in and out, like I am happy, there is no weight. It's easy.I'm not staggering, hurting barely making it, walls closing in, I'm not and that's nice.But I don't understand why I'm not. I don't understand how the one thing that kept my world together, it was literally the glue to my whole foundation, the morter that sealed me, the tar that may have been ugly but kept me in touch with reality.
It's not mine any more, I am not a part of it, I can not retreat when thing are bad into a design or a story, I'm not the Amanda, not even I saw this coming.

I am this new kind of simpler verision, I think. Not like robotic simple, no-need-for-thought-program,  I'm just kind of focusing in on every little part of my life. I don't get it, I can't care, I want to care. I'm crying as I write this because that is all I ever fucking do is care about everything, anything, everyone and I don't understand why I don't any more about newspaper. I literally feel like I'm going to vomit every time I think about choosing whether or not to be on staff next semester, because I know I should care because  I know that it isn't like my self not to care. Because I know that I spent of last year working my damn ass off to prove myself, to get that postition, to be a part of this inigma, it was my everything and I took it all away from myself in the matter of a two days, I admit those first few days were hard but then it was like I woke up and I was really calm. I feel like one of those people I learned about in psychology, who completely forget who they were and go off to another state and get married and shit.

meme stolen from skycities 

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now:
1.Right now I hate you and I wish you could just catch on.
2.If you only knew how much I love you. 
3. We'll always be this close, we've conquered everything.
4. We are kind of just starting to get to know eachother but I can tell we have a lot in common.
5. Maybe we've just grown apart or maybe we just found replacements
6. We will room together in college that's a fact. 
7.You have changed me in a way that no one ever could have. 
8.Sometimes I can't believe I still miss all those nights we had. 
9.I'll never for get you, swear.
10. Are you stalking me?

Nine Things About Myself:
1. I'm selfish.
2. My Ipod is the holy grail of my life.
3. I can't wait to be a high school teacher.
4. I'm obsessed with dresses
5. I will never have a favorite band.
6. I love books, I read extremely fast.
7. I love walking to my best friends house.
8. I hate crying with a passion.
9. I am a relationship phobe.
Eight Ways to Win My Heart:
1. care
2. watch movies with me
3. don't make me choose between anything
4. make me admit when I'm wrong 
5. like my friends
6. love my brother
7. don't ever say something just to make me happy 
8. do not have a criminal record

Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot:
1. music
2. my friends
3. possible emergency exits( this is completely serious)
4. money issues
5. what did I forget
6. can I do this
7. h. physics (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhh)
Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:
1. wash my feet
2. read
3. bach
4. call Katy
5. read Nick a book
6. try to finish last minute homework

Five People Who Mean a Lot:
1. Nick
2. Ashley
3. Katy
4. Holmes
5. Rest of family
Four Things I'm Wearing Right Now:
1grey sweats
2. 'brand new' concert tee
3. old navy flip flops
4. white headband

Three Songs I Listen to a Lot: [at the moment]
1. jenny don't be hasty- paolo nutini
2. behind the sea- panic
3. what ever happened- the strokes

Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die:
1. english teacher
2. be married and have lots of lame spoiled kids
One Confession:
1. I'm not as chill as everyone thinks

I've been trying to relax a lot more, for once it's a lot easier said than done.I'm slowling down. Things are looking up which is nice. Dr. Makki junk is going good, of course we talk about my situation and the whole family counsling thing is going nice. My dad still isn't going which doesn't really bother me because even if he did go he wouldn't talk.
I'm really stretching for a sort of coming full cirle with myself thing which is hard. I need to just get over everything about myself.
Everyone slips up and maybe I just need to accept that.